lonekitty Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 Okay. More thinking time. State of the union. Whatever. I do hate that...because of how my life has gone, even my mind feels strongarmed into thinking the worse because...what else is there to cling onto? my supposed "severe jaw"?, the one comment a guy my age gave me, ever? Reminded me of how my own mom told me a sad story of how the one time she dolled herself up to go to the club...she was turned away because they thought she looked like a man and that her jaw was horrible. That's...not something a little girl just forgets. Really not. Or how my mom hated on my friend's mom for never supporting her daughter or calling her pretty...my mom never even complimented me. But I think my weird BDD - in that I obsessively think I look different in each picture - is now fading away. Sent the "nice" selfie for my project to my childhood best friend and she confirmed it was incredibly accurate. Now that I look at it again it...does look like how I used to. It's not that distorted. I look in the webcam laying down and I look similar enough to the similar pictures I took with my phone, the weird ones I like where I'm pretending I'm skinnier. Maybe my dormmates are cattier than I thought like some people have suggested. They pulled the aggressive "stop, you've lost enough weight!" thing again today, like they did when I was 200 pounds where they said I was "fine." Btw I don't even talk about losing weight. I just stepped on the scale in the morning and set them off, didn't have to say anything at all. They said the same things they've said a dozen other times. They complain about their own bodies (unlike I do, I pretend I'm chill) all the time yet never give the same to one another...interestingly, however, they constantly say they envy my body. And I've gotten its good features reaffirmed many times. However, I still have a belly/waist fat and chubby arms that make me look stockier than I ought to be. The girl that's my height that said I'm at the perfect weight when she's 20 pounds lighter and still wants to diet and constantly stares at my legs, saying she wished she had them. Like, something about it just seems so odd to me and I can't help remembering how some people told me that some girls just want to sabotage others. Maybe I shouldn't let them get me down; I want to be able to get so much better and it frustrates me that they think I'm at my best. Oh, bonus points for them saying my doctor is retarded for saying I have a propensity towards cardiovascular disease and should lose more weight...then saying "hey, it isn't like we're coming for you or anything, why are you acting so defensive?" >.> Okay ***** rant, over. I just don't get people sometime. Hot guys thought I was attractive enough to flirt with in "dim" lighting, therefore, my base features can't be that horrific besides having a bad nose and abnormal skull--it's just that my lack of health has manifested in really bad ways and I might have been aged prematurely due to high cortisol levels. My doctor informed me that my body is kinda malfunctioning and is unable to properly resolve stress. It's a sad state of affairs but again I'll have to try my hardest to put myself back together. I was not imagining things when I feared I look exceptionally horrible in certain lighting--more so than others. The disgust others have shown me were for real, unfortunately. My hairline is definitely an issue; my forehead has gone beyond Jessica Jones. I need to still think about seeing a stylist about it. Same with my hair color...it just doesn't do anything for me. Okay, there. Still incredibly depressed but I'll try fighting and sticking up for myself when I can. Then forcibly fixing my other flaws.
lonekitty Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 So, in essence, I'm looking for procedures that will rejuvenate and lift the skin. To turn back time, so to speak. Fix the folds, make my eyes come alive, etc. I...I'm afraid that I don't even want a rhinoplasty any more, not after what that guy said. Though I'm sure I'll cave and want a lift, someday. I think my jaw will be ok once I lose more weight. Probably...I don't even know.
lonekitty Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 Toxic? Yeah, of course. He did say that he intends to still keep our in real date in a couple of months but yeah...for now he's living me for my own devices. Not sure how soon he may come back. Anyways as I just stated above I'm now mainly looking at treatments to rejuvenate the skin and eye area, as well as ones that may help my fat distribution. I more or less chilled out and recognized some of my faults and where there isn't that big of a problem. I was being illogical and being too hard on myself, though certainly because of a few experiences and feedback in real that I do have a few flaws greater than other girls my age. I am sorry that my little thing did last so long, though it's mainly ceased. And to say 10 pages of complaining is hyperbolic...a ton of useful information was posted here. And...what, therapy? I already said I've been seeing a therapist. Hasn't really done anything for me.
lonekitty Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Ah, to clarify in the state of the state of the union update I mentioned hair. How's the hair transplant or PRP (platelet rich plasma) treatments there and their costs? I know it's fairly an obscure thing to talk about but I was just thinking about how botox or other fillers are so dirt cheap over there, or as far as I know. My thin hair is less than ideal for my big face. I remember being called Pocahontas when I was chubbier!! Dermarolling+microneedling still sounds cool to me. Especially for my freakin' neck lines, oh my god. Yes. I am still 100% interested in looking as young as possible, or at least investing in things and treatments that will help me stay youthful in the long-run. Today people were very friendly to me--everyone smiled regardless of the lighting and for whatever reason it was a lot warmer of a reception than I get when I do wear make-up...?? Not being too tense does help a lot IMO--Sweetpotato had a point. I'd like the other two members of the toxic trio to take note. I do know from experience that the certain air someone holds about them is like the best makeup. In fact...a cute guy kept on looking at me when he was waiting in line. I did my normal self-conscious thing then he actually walked by and gave me this really sweet smile. That was the first time I've ever actually gotten the reaffirmation that it was okay attention. And I guess I have an obligatory health update because this day has been extremely bizarre. Remember my complaints? How I felt heavy? Constant eye area pain, dryness? Chest pain? Strain? All the time? Well. My eye bags improved somewhat today. Yes. The terrible eternal sunkenness. Even the eye area has stopped hurting like it has been for a year today. Is it the vitamin D supplementation? Idk. The insane part is that I haven't gotten any sleep for the past 2 days cuz of finals and I actually feel not messed up and better than I usually do. Even ate nothing but junk this week. Most of the time my eyes are strained and scrunched up, but now I feel wide-eyed. And...another thing...my skin actually isn't tight/dry/without any oil anymore. Not even kidding you. For 3 years I suffered this despite obsessively putting on hydrating layers, squalane oil, and Cerave healing ointment on at night (y'all should do this btw). My circulation is very good for once, which is very weird. For a few days before my skin was totally flushed and now that it's stopped my skin looks better, less congested. My hands are sweating too. I kid you not, this is the first time I'm sweating in years--yes, I went to the gym and didn't sweat...people commented on it all the time. This is such an out of body experience. Well. In body. Sorry about "blogging" some more. These changes are just bizarre and hey. Maybe someone will see this and be encouraged to check out their health. Does make me wonder too. I felt like literal death on the day where that guy gave me the disgusted look (and I'm not one to make faces or anything). But wow. Is it crazy to think all that pain and stress I felt actually made me look so much worse. Also makes me wonder about the times where I was teased for looking like a smoker. Oh yeah. The weirdest part? I have ate like hell this week. Not even kidding you. I've also been taking coconut oil, NAC (precursor that actually increases Glutathione levels in the blood which improves the look of the skin--studies have supported it), evening primrose oil (balances hormones, helps acne), and cod liver oil (vitamin D). These are all very recent too. Hmm. Can confirm that feeling and looking better is 1000000% more effective than therapy.
alyceg Posted March 13, 2018 Posted March 13, 2018 So you are all good now? Not good? Your story gets confusing. As for the few things you mentioned at some point. Pay the cash and go to a decent hair stylist, get hair extensions if you must. Hair problem solved. Under eye issues - get more sleep, drink more water, do yoga and meditate to reduce your stress. Look at getting a therapist you are happy with. Consider a psychiatrist. Start a gratitude journal. Appreciate what you do have and stop thinking about what happened years ago. Start volunteering as that will distract from thinking so much about yourself. And it will also help put things in perspective while also helping out whatever cause you choose.
lonekitty Posted March 13, 2018 Author Posted March 13, 2018 Hmm, I said that I still want to get procedures--mostly noninvasive ones. I.e.... Nasolabial folds, undereyes (if they don't keep improving), skin (treatments to make it smoother+strengthen the collagen), maybe a nonsurgical v-line, a lift, maybe. A tip lift of the nose (at most). I want a baby face/to look younger, and to improve my appearance as much as possible. I'd say things are neutral right now. I'm not happy with where I'm at, but I'm not beating myself up, and for once I don't feel physically wretched. A huge part of why I was abusing myself so hard was the fact that I have gotten a ton of negative feedback and no good feedback. Since I constantly felt bad and ill and looked it, the excess of attention I get from people (my dormmates even pointed it out all the time) felt judgey or even unpleasant in nature. Got a few looks of disgust. Had no reason to believe what anyone was saying here. However, my physical illness+chronic fatigue went away yesterday and though I still was in a bad mood, people were being incredibly friendly to me. Smiling, talking to me, etc--all the mild negativeness, tension there I felt from others before was gone. I didn't feel like a circus side-show anymore. Bonus points for a guy looking my way then walking by just to say hi and smile. I've had plenty of guys in my classes give me these nonstop grimfaced looks. Look up and see him just staring, coldly--getting that eye-to-eye contact was so uncomfortable, and I looked away and pretended it never happened. Months ago I even concluded that the one time a guy actually seemed to express that he liked me - in a discussion class where I was the class clown/teacher's pet (it's possible. I knew the most but made people laugh the most) - it was solely because of my nice body and that he wanted to use me. And the other guy that liked me there, too. That class was weird.. I keep on reminding myself that I only look so homely in some pics because that's probably camera distortion, my thin af hair, eye area, as well as my odd jaw/forehead balance (which can be fixed as soon as I find the perfect haircut/color). And I'm stopping myself from taking more pictures and reminding myself that the mirror is accurate, and that my main problem there is genuinely my rough skin+messed up eye area. As for mindful and physical self-improvement itself like you suggested...I think I could pursue that without thinking it'd be all for nothing now.
lonekitty Posted March 15, 2018 Author Posted March 15, 2018 Oh yeah--there seems to be a store of fat around my nasolabial line aggravating the issue and for some reason it sticks out a little more than the front cheek area. It's kind of like a jowl. What type of plastic surgery would work to remedy it? Would a facelift work? Of course I still am interested in a Summer trip to korea though I'm looking at doing a 2nd treatment after fillers for undereyes at spring.
lonekitty Posted March 23, 2018 Author Posted March 23, 2018 Ah, such a silence. Been trying to keep things cool. It's hard but I'm keeping myself from slipping I'm still not sure what else to do in Korea other than a nonsurgical v-line--just looking for the most cost effective treatments to do there. Annnnd I think I do want to do something about my jaw. I recall a Korean guy a while back recommending me to do a double jaw surgery, commenting that the way my jaw looks makes my face a lot more homely. Along with the other guy saying that I have too severe of a jaw to be datable - which again was the only real male input I've ever gotten so I know it must be real bad - I think this is a feature that I really can't stand having, tbh. Scratch me being satisfied with my "base" features. It is definitely a weird issue to tackle...no, I don't know why it looks like my jaw/chin area is oddly forward on one side and normal in the other pic. I don't know if it's a matter of lighting or the way I'm holding my jaw--doctor already confirmed that I can't have an underbite. The main problem is how the lower half of the face appears more forward than it ought to. Oh. And general status update; while my health got bad again my skin regimen has been working wonders for me, finally, after all these years.
lonekitty Posted March 23, 2018 Author Posted March 23, 2018 There's some solid information earlier on, I just aren't sure if the 2 jaw surgery works for my specific issue. Possibilities and current concerns -Flat zygoma+sunken eyes -along with the jowl/nasolabial area; I don't want to rely on fillers forever for these areas but fat grafts are fairly risky... -masculine, projected jaw (???) -nonsurgical V-line surgery -threadlift or stem cell lift -microneedling/dermarolling -tiplasty...maybe...still torn because that lost friend of mine did love my nose... -tbh anything to give me a more feminine baby face I'll probably get impulse fillers for my eyes soon, just really want to do something more than that too. I know for a fact the better I look, the exponentially happier I am. Yeah...I guess I'm vain. Still unclear on what sorts of treatments I should delegate to Korea only. My jaw is still pretty weird. I think I might have gotten into the habit of holding it to the side sometimes? I know that sounds crazy but it seems like one side hurts a lot and in some pictures and a video it seems to be crooked...hmm...well I'll see the dentist when I can.
lonekitty Posted March 23, 2018 Author Posted March 23, 2018 And I've gotten the comment that I look like I'm "dying" several times this week, or that I look like death. Granted it's mainly from one person but still. I'm...not even sure where to begin with that...but my self-esteem for sure has become unbearably low again. I know I've felt horrible these past few days and my face and eyes hurts a lot but it isn't like I'm suffering from a real condition...and I've been getting enough sleep. Pills don't work anymore. This was pretty much my worst fear and it has come true after all this time. I had my hopes. Before it was a lot like speculation but this is basically confirmation...normal people still don't look like death when they're having bad days. Really does make me fear again that...all this time people were just looking at me in real disgust... I've been seeing a certified, heavier duty therapist and...still no dice. It's like the fear overwhelms everything she ever said to me. Man. And there's only so much I can do over spring break.. Guess the fillers are the main thing and then I can get some real heavy duty implants eventually...
eurasianbeauty Posted March 23, 2018 Posted March 23, 2018 Mods, I have blocked the OP and I am still getting emails about this thread. I am also seeing it. Can someone do something? It's triggering and unhealthy. Thank you.
alyceg Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 Lonekitty have you thought about getting a journal to record your thoughts and feelings. Honestly the internet is not the place to do it. Friends, family and future employers could find this and it really delves into some serious mental health issues.
perceval Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 That's what I was thinking too. Lonekitty, you should go onto other threads and ask questions. Otherwise you're not helping yourself at all.
granges Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 Yeah true. Even I took down my post that covered my eyes due to privacy . It's might be okay now because you never seen any of your viewers, but imagine if you seen someone in person who has read your post? It will be realllllyyyy awkward . Sometimes things are better kept to yourself . You might even change your mind someday and look back and think you were so silly. Sometimes I just video record myself talking to get out my thoughts . I just hold onto them and rewatch . It's like having a diary . I also type up how I'm feeling as well. You should try it
perceval Posted March 24, 2018 Posted March 24, 2018 I completely agree with this too. I'm also trying to remove some things as well. Any idea how to do it? I've made a report asking the mods to do it but it seems that I have no luck.
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