lonekitty Posted February 14, 2018 Author Posted February 14, 2018 I see--I'll research it. I'd feel weird doing a full fake make-over spring break but maybe I can try something. Thing is, this isn't really a matter of "different flavors." I have pretty much most of the markers of general ugliness paired with an ill, worn out appearance--which is inherently offputting and unattractive. An aged, angular appearance on a woman is generally not attractive to men. And I've never in my life had the joy of being a unique flavor to someone as I was, no make-up, no good lighting....even my LDR's opinion is more or less on hold till I meet him in real. The fifty guys thing was to illustrate how differently I looked in the dim lighting, it's not even an achievement for me, unfortunately. Though your last paragraph waaaas a bit more believable. There's only so much I can do. And as I think I said, the therapists here basically just the "how does that make you feel" variety. Not one has ever assured me that I wasn't horrifically ugly or anything, or gave me any coping strategies. I said that it'd cost just as much as a few minor procedures to see a proper therapist for a good amount of time. I'd need a rich person to swoop in and finance it, basically. I've far more motivation to simply fix my face--simply feeling good about my appearance has (in the brief lapses of delusion) in the past been enough to lift up my mood out of years long depression.
lonekitty Posted February 14, 2018 Author Posted February 14, 2018 Also here's a pic that kinda shows the problem with my mouth area. As well as the infamous painting I mentioned. I look so corpselike. Depressing to know this is how a guy sees me. Ah. Well. At least my hair looks kinda pretty.
kc_134 Posted February 14, 2018 Posted February 14, 2018 Whatever you do, it's up to you at the end of the day. We on the forum can only say so much. Just be safe.
lonekitty Posted February 15, 2018 Author Posted February 15, 2018 Oh, thanks missorange. Read through some of your journey and it's very inspiring--sometimes I feel trapped where I am, having been fat most of my life, probably irrecovably damaging my looks, having poor bone structure, looking too old...it's nice to think that I actually do have something to work towards. Aging is conquerable. It's a very relieving feeling. Anyways. Update. I'll be going in for a consultation about my hair tomorrow with the salon owner--I'm going to make sure I'm going to be as well informed and comfortable before actually getting my hair cut! As I said before I never actually got a flattering haircut and the one I have now is simply a frustration cut bc the 2nd "professional" that ever cut my hair abused the hell out of my scalp and gave me an awful haircut+significant hair loss--I had to cut it off for volume's sake. Oh, found a blast from the past of a bangstyle I wanted last year: I really enjoy the cascading style but, yeah, it wouldn't exactly fit into purple's rec for all-across bangs. Still trying to figure out how my hair would be thick enough to handle full-bangs. >.< I just want a cute, long hairstyle that'll complement me and downplay my worst features+will make my hair look fuller. Oh. And most importantly, make me look younger. I decided for sure that I need to lose weight even if it'll be like ripping a bandaid off. Would make my jaw look waaaay better, even though it'd definitely make me less cute in other ways and possibly make my nose/brow (srsly guys how do you even fix a big brow bone) look bigger. Sigh. I'll have to roll with the punches. My specific plan is to now cut to 120 and then start bulking; healthy gains, then in the process getting a fat graft. Still trying to figure out how fillers could work for the nasolabial issue; the sunken area is huge. It's a bit stupid but I plan to learn how to invest and diversify my sources of income for my long-term plastic surgery pursuits.
lonekitty Posted February 17, 2018 Author Posted February 17, 2018 The salon owner actually had a plan of attack to propose to me before we even met up which was very cool and she hugged me assuring me that she'll give me the best haircut she could and maybe even over an hour next week. My thin hair will always be a huge point of frustration and shame for me - I don't even know why it's so thin, my parents had thicker hair - but I'm going to try taking care of what I do have. >.< I'll have to go with side bangs, she confirmed that the blunt bangs would only be frustrating with my hair type and would also emphasize my jaw/nose. I don't believe I'll have the money for a tiplasty (it's still as expensive as a regular rhino, right?) by spring break unless I were to take out my trust fund. I'll have to take the trip to korea in the summer. Gosh, I'm sure everyone I know would probably be offended if I were to get a looks-changing treatment for different reasons. Financial or otherwise. Especially my best friend. Oh well, it is what it is. I want to do something for my undereyes for sure during spring break and still am trying to figure out what overall treatment will refresh me. How's microneedling compared to a decked out skincare routine (including retinol, other actives, great hydrators, etc.)? Is it like a quick fix or does it boost the skin in the long-term in ways topicals can't?
velvettini Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 Wow. I can relate to this thread so well. I am another 23 years old Caucasian female, btw. I've actually been diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia and you girls sound like you have it, too. Even after 5 years of therapy, I'm still lurking on a PS forum, so yeah. The difference is that now I can actually point out where I 'need' surgery done. It's really different for everyone with BD, but when I was bullied in school and started to ask myself 'what's wrong with my face', I ended up becoming absolutely OBSESSED with symmetry and ratios... Also, Purplesky123 mentioned seeing her fathers face when looking into the mirror and that's EXACTLY what I am experiencing, too. Like, my dad isn't that ugly and I love him to death, but I don't look like a female version of him like I technically should... I just straight up look like him. I've cried so much because of this. Lonekitty, I'm also trying to get my skin and weight to co-operate with me Can't go to the gym, though, because I've also got a bad case of ablutomania and need severe preparation before leaving the house...You also wrote something that could've been written by me:"The visual information people read off a person is the deciding factor in almost everything; the amount of opportunities you're given. Maybe someone looks like a crackhead or a smoker (I've gotten that comment before in a joke before), etc., etc. If I am unattractive, it means I'm more likely to come off as creepy if I'm just shy. Unfortunate. Impressions are almost everything. And I want everyone to know who I am just by looking at me, and I want to be able to change it. I want that power. I don't want to feel helpless ever again. "Bad skin day"--that's an understatement too, I've so many other issues. Hey, how many cases have you heard of an ugly girl getting with an attractive man? True love ain't blind. Anyway. I just want to love who I want to love. Be who I want to be (and live out my youth properly). I want to be a force of nature in several levels. And I don't want to be just "fine" either...that's exactly what my dormmate said last year, giving me a troubled look, with my severe acne, poor fashion, and 200 pound weight. "Fine" might as well be an insult, and it is, really."The underlined part is especially me. I said all of this to my mom and she looked at me like I'm crazy, but it's the truth.
granges Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 I feel like you alls thoughts were similar to mine. I wonder if I suffer/suffered from bdd? Never been evaluated .
perceval Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 I'm pretty sure I don't have BD, as I'm pretty confident but I'm wanting to improve my looks. I'm in a similar situation to you guys, except I'm willing to wait after college to get my surgeries done. I also have the tired/drug user look (thank you genetics), pretty much do everything that I can to improve upon myself while I'm still waiting (I drink a f**k ton of water). I either look super serious because poker face, or I look really depressed and I'm actually quite the opposite. I'm Caucasian, mainly have German looks which makes me look a little masculine. Not too much of a big deal as all I need is a little bit of shaving down. I had bad acne (not too severe) since I was in the 4th grade and nothing worked for me until I got on Acutane. Still on it right now. But I got a huge boost of confidence when it started to go down. Just doing the smallest things will improve your looks. What Lonekitty is doing right now is great, and I'm pretty sure it'll boost her confidence. We all start somewhere! Also I would like to thank Purplesky123 for the tips, those are really great.
lonekitty Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 Ooo. I wouldn't have said it to my mom at all...it'd hurt her so much. If I were you I would have outright tried to "retcon" (nerd term that means pretty much negate an event) afterwards and acting as if it isn't how I personally feel--life can be cruel and though it stings for people to belittle or not see your pain, I know it'd be a killer for a mom to hear that from her daughter. And by now we should know...even if people do understand our pain, what could they do, really? What we need are millionaires in our lives. >:O I am in the "whether or not I have BDD is entirely irrelevant because my flaws are real, my negative experiences are real, and...my values are what they are" train. Even when I felt confident about a hundred things it was the positive delusions I had about my appearance that was the cinch. And of course I wanted to be beautiful despite deluding myself into thinking that looks didn't matter that much. I really do. Yeah. I want to go to the gym too but...yeah. Sometimes I can barely get myself to do the bare minimum, let alone go to class. What types of stuff did you go through to reaffirm your self-perspectve? So many years in therapy. I did try contacting the therapist office I did get a referral towards (it's a distance away and a copay, though I decided that it's worth it--especially if I could get anti-anxiety pills or something) but she hasn't called back yet. Of course.
heylo Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 @Lonekitty if you had a case for extensive surgery I'd be honest and tell you. I've seen many young people who are far less fortunate than you, yet their concerns are proportional to the problems they have. In your case, you have a beautiful complexion (despite the breakout) and you're young looking. You also have lovely lips and an "ideal" eye shape. You don't have anything to improve structurally and have no protrusion around the mouth. There's a distinct risk that you'll end up much, much worse if you go ahead with this stuff - you are talking about replacing smooth skin with scarred skin, removing structural support, changing proportions (which would deviate from the more-or-less ideal ones you have now)... etc. I don't sense an objective on your part, just an overall dislike of your appearance and somehow, you've convinced yourself that you're deformed when you're above average in terms of facial attractiveness. The only thing you could benefit from surgically is a mild nose refinement... but until you can see yourself clearly, I would seriously recommend holding off on any surgery.
lonekitty Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 You can talk about why you feel the way you do here. Some cases of BDD are different than others. Some people have more reasons to feel the way they do...others just feel disillusioned and haven't come into terms with the fact that looking different then beauty conventions isn't the same as being ugly. There's a lot to it. For me it's mainly just...specifics. For example, my best friend angelic and always honest. However, up till one moment, she had never said anything negative about my appearance. So imagine how it felt when she finally said that my eye bags are scary in the morning+bad in general, comparing them to a video of a famous 70 year old woman waking up she saw. And yup. Then she proceeded to say that I NEED to wear makeup. She is anti-makeup to her core, very pro-natural beauty. Specific stuff like that is what f'ed me up in the end, tbh. This is an experience that no amount of therapy could relief the sting of. Being labelled as "BDD" won't change it.
lonekitty Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 I'm happy that you're taking it well! How's your skincare regimen outside of accutane? I hear that stuff does cause mad scarring. I personally am doing stuff like investing in skincare, looking into supplements, seeing the doctor (unfortunately the nurse thought I had Hashimoto's based off my many severe symptoms...however, no thyroid problems were detected so this is simply how I feel and look, probably), trying to eat healthy, trying to exercise (still haven't gotten the hang of morning jogs tho rip), etc. I'm being sustained by the idea that truly healthy/fit people shouldn't look like smokers.
lonekitty Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 Well, I'm sorry to say, but my eye and nasolabial area just kill it for me (I'd post a picture showing how sunken the eye area really is but, yeah, it'd be pointless. I already know how to fix it anyway). I can't stand looking in the mirror or pictures because of them. I actually did say that it isn't like I hate most of my natural features... I mean, honestly, I really like how I look in these pictures. And it is kinda ironic--good lighting and I look like the person I want to look like. Really do. In fact I'd prefer to look like her over anyone else in the world. But it's not really how I really look. Compare to this: ...when I was 40 pounds heavier and it was taken by the dormmate I went to the gym with. I think that picture was one of the reasons why my confidence went downhill back then. Just so...homely and goofy looking. A ball of misshapen dough. And I bet i still pretty much look like that.
lonekitty Posted February 18, 2018 Author Posted February 18, 2018 And...again, I only feel this way because people have always reaffirmed it. No one in real has ever called me pretty or beautiful. No guy has ever complimented me besides my grandpa years back "You're good looking but you'd be stunning if you lost a few pounds"...which doesn't count because that was before I aged really badly. Girls kept on saying they envied my legs or that they must make guys speechless all the time. I tested things out on an anonymous online forum where girls get rated and when I posted my legs the whole thread flipped out--all the other girls were ignored while I was rated a "10." "No guy has ever really shown interest, I'm too ugly" "Wtf? With a body like that guys don't even give a f---". I got a lot of input like that. But guys really do give a f--- and they don't even care, just give me those mildly negative looking glances or stares, never to engage. So again it reaffirms that I must really have an offputting face because...honestly, what else is there? Never even hit on in my life and I'm a girl. Now that's a wonder. Edit: HHEM. Pessimism aside, I am happy about how my jaw is actually a v-shape and is much smaller than it seems...just for whatever reason there's an outrageous amount of fat in the area and it literally hangs down/droops into a more squarish shape. So weird but again it does energize me to lose more weight.
heylo Posted February 18, 2018 Posted February 18, 2018 That is not honesty. She is either jealous or trying to get at you in order to discourage your talk about your appearance. You don't have eye bags, but you do have a youthful eye roll when smiling - all the Korean girls want this. You need to stop internalising offhand comments with ulterior motives and also, try to refrain from using anonymous rating sites to try and "prove" to yourself that you are "homely" when you are not. You say you look goofy when you're mid-laugh... who doesn't? If anything, you look the most pretty, natural and approachable in that last pic. And about age 18 too, no older than that. You need to talk things through with a professional, IMO... the internet and your "honest" friend aren't going to be of any use I don't think. I feel for you too, because the next 10 years of your life are going to be really, really unhappy unless you address the root causes of these problems as soon as you can.
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