lonekitty Posted March 10, 2018 Author Posted March 10, 2018 ^I do get that feel. Cheerfulness is everything but...ah...I don't know anymore. Feels like everything will never be enough. Not for this. Tfw when I got nice and dressed up, made up but was the only one of my dormmates to not even be complimented. These aren't the pics but are from a pre-outing on another day, before I did my hair. I look so tired and f'ed up, and I actually feel like my health's getting worse or something. Have felt tired for weeks. Exercise doesn't help like the doctor suggests for some reason. It's so weird and disconcerting... I pretty much understand why the guy didn't want to date me because of my jaw and I get why that girl said I have a really unpleasant, abnormally shaped skull. And comparing the pictures to those I took a year or so back I noticed that my hairline has receded quite a bit...wow. I really have aged really badly and dramatically, my skin's dryer, rougher than ever...Just so homely. I think before I was fine with my baseline features but now that I've noticed my jaw and nose and forehead I reaaaaally can't unsee it. Ugh. Whenever my online guy friends ask "wtf haven't you have any romantic experience, you're fun as hell to talk to" not sure if I have the heart to tell them the truth. And god, are they curious. Right now I'm just exhausted from it all but in two weeks time I'll at least be getting fillers and a skin treatment. I already imagine this is going to be a long, trying fight, and that's okay. As long as I'm not stuck looking like this forever. Toxic trio, indeed. Oh and I've been trying therapy. No luck so far, or improvements. Just been declining.
lonekitty Posted March 10, 2018 Author Posted March 10, 2018 DAMN those are some crazy mixed messages. No guy in my entire life has ever called me cute. Really not sure if I'd prefer being called that by the same person who said disgusting, or get the nothing I have. Did you have acne or something, anyways? Were you still chubby back then (not to offend you or anything...it's just something 10000% fixable)? To be fair, it could have been negging. Maybe the dude was too egoistic to admit to liking you. I hate talking to people because sometimes I just see the look of...pain or disgust on people's faces. It's hard. Some people are pretty chill but definitely not all... Good luck to us all.
lonekitty Posted March 11, 2018 Author Posted March 11, 2018 So....is there even any way to camo this odd forehead? Is it even possible to shave it down or is that just too dangerous? I never really fully noticed it before but it really is making my face look a lot goofier... Bangs are unfortunately a hard sell because of my baby fine hair. Would always be wispy. I think it'd easily be a confidence boost if I managed to hide my horrible skull. If I feel like frankenstein now, I'd at least feel a tad more like the beauty from that novel, Elizabeth, instead. Just 1% more. And maybe there would be a 1% chance I believed anyone that looked at me thought me attractive rather than some sort of abomination. That'd be huge for me tbh. What I feel is like a compounded effect...people do give me a weird amount of attention as I've feared, it's true, not even in my head. Turn in their seats to stare. Those baristas I probably mentioned. Look up from where I'm sitting and see someone paralyzed, staring at me. I know I can't look good so...when this frequently happens it just kiiiills me. Basically that's the thing really feeding into my self-consciousness. And of course my natural hair color is looking terrible too...just frustrating. >.<
velvettini Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 Do you ever get that 'if I fix this flaw I'll also have to fix that one' feeling? Universe, send me money, goddamnit. I'm feeling like some women use makeup to transform into a heavenly being and I'm using it to just look human for once lmfao It feels so ****ty when you think/are made to think that you're the ugliest female around... About your health: Since you're on a diet and feel tired, are you sure you're taking in enough iron? Iron deficiency or anaemia, maybe? Get your blood values checked if you haven't done that already. Skull shape is so important for making hairstyles work, but if you mention it on your own, people will think you're a total lunatic. I can see and feel myself aging, too. It feels awful. I'll probably get a turkey neck. *gulp* Of course you can't unsee anything now. Once you've started obsessing over this, it's a long way out. I'm glad you're at least trying therapy now, just don't expect too much at once. You'll need lots of patience... I've never even hugged a dude who wasn't family. Being ugly and lonely really sucks. Believe me, I'd rather had him ignoring me like most people did. The worst thing was when one of the unpopular guys called me ugly and the popular dudes cheered him on like he just won a soccer game or something. Or that other time when the first girl in our class got a boyfriend and the guys were like ''wow. If the repulsive ones get a bf first, then [insert my name] is next!'' Thanks a bunch, man. Or when the girls next to me concluded a dude was staring in our direction all the time and were like ''It can only be because of you or me'' I know what you're implying, don't act all innocent. I heard that. Reading the stuff you write about how people talk about you, I totally understand how you feel. My parents say that I probably imagined stuff and it wasn't even about me, but at some point it's just not coincidental anymore... Did? Yup. Still have? Yup. Obsessive washing doesn't do the skin good at all. Am not offended, no problem. I grew pretty thick skin over the years. I used to be about 22 lbs lighter than now, so no. Hah. He definitely was a narcisstic one, but nope. Boy was just pissed he got rejected by that one really pretty girl he orbited for like half a year and let it out on me. She was dating a university student. Found 'little boys' way too immature. Rightly so. When you get that 'ew, what's that' look. Really, some people aren't subtle at all.
velvettini Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 Yes, the brow ridge can be shaved down, but logically, it'll make your eyebrows sag faster. I don't know much about reducing the forehead, though, because mine will be augmented. Where exactly do you have a problem with it? Hairline, ridge or roundness/lack of? I actually think bangs look better when your hair isn't thick. Mine is fat and heavy and I still can't wear bangs. I was told that it looked like I've got a wooden block in front of my head Also, my close-set eyes, but yeah... You should try it. If it doesn't look good, you can always grow them out. The only way to 'hide your skull' is adding volume to your hair, I think. Someone else may have other ideas.
lonekitty Posted March 11, 2018 Author Posted March 11, 2018 Looking back I...well, I actually do like how I look in a lot of the pictures I've taken of myself. My brow and jaw position don't look bizarre? My face looks less square? I don't look like a dead fish? What? Kind of like how I look in the mirror except a bit better. But I realize that it was probably a trick of the angles and light or something. The crazy part is that I really wasn't trying to take "good" photos. On some particularly bad skin day ones I put a 25% filter on, but usually no more. I guess it really is all in the lighting and angle. Crazy. Oh, something kinda bad came up today. My dormmates mom saying "Huh, you look different" in this...pensive way after my weight loss, when I saw her again today after many months. That dormmate saying "You know what my mom says--losing a lot of weight doesn't make you look better." I am 150 with a huge belly still btw even if I lost dozens of pounds. And for some reason my dormmates keep on getting mad when I so much as try eating light or something in order to lose weight, saying that I'm at my best, that losing weight wouldn't do me justice. That worries me so much. Makes me wonder if I actually got far uglier or something. Be fat my entire life, be told all I needed to do was lose the weight...I've gone so far...and here I am with nothing to show for it but more grievances. Ouch. Just...stuff like that. It's so unfair. Can't I get better? By god, why can't I get better without having to go through this? Am I even better I've really worked for nothing?? And I guess a part of my problem is that I do need a somewhat drastic hair change because that's a big contributor to my problem. Just...dark? Wouldn't work well with my hair type. Near baby fine like blonde hair. Lighter? Clash with my skin. More volume? How? To clarify my hair does look alright most of the time. Most of the photos I show here are bedhair, undone, or in an ugly bun because I'm at home. Still, even at its best, I don't think it looks good. Just not...flattering? Idk. Still puzzled. It's fuller after the haircut which is cool but it definitely isn't enough... Yeah I'm mad frustrated right now and the only way to not let the stress slowly eat me alive is vent here. >.> Also...a few days back...well. You know that guy online friend I mentioned? That one I've known for a long time, and became my best friend? He ended up sensing something was off about me and...basically tricked me into spilling everything. Or at least peeling away the layers of the onion. Found out about my plans, the desire for plastic surgery (nooot this forum though. Thank god.) Even found some of my old pictures from a few months back. He did admit that he was confused, that he thought I looked ****ed up. Summarizing what he said... "You worrying like this goes against all the things I ever told you...were you just pretending to listen to me?" "You will look like **** on some days, _____, and that's okay, everyone does, it's your best that matters." "Don't butcher yourself!" "And I can see past everything, and what I see. "Don't even believe I would have hated you, don't believe I wouldn't have kissed your pretty round nose". "Just stop saying such...evil things about yourself...please"--he said that to everything I said about myself. Never heard such loving things in my life....which really isn't much considering that I was neglected...but still. Meaningful and hard-hitting. Still astonished to this day. "Please find happiness. That's all I ever wanted for you...I just wish you loved me enough to even listen to me. This is frustrating." Of course afterwards he...ceased talking to me. It's sad. Confiding in one another all the time about everything. Having so much fun. Just talking about old stories, silly or deep, didn't matter. And seems like I've finally managed to exhaust and hurt him...he really is gone. But I guess I never really had him, did I? I don't even know. I really was a different person with him. But now he knows the truth. And...it was inevitable. :/ Even now...if we would have met up for a date at a fancy restaurant like he wanted, I can't help believing with all my heart he'd be disgusted by me... Still interesting how this part of my life ended up no longer being compartmentalized and bleeding into everything else. Or maybe that's a sort of a "duh" type of thing.
lonekitty Posted March 11, 2018 Author Posted March 11, 2018 Oh goddamned...I'm sorry that happened to you. People are vile, I swtg. I'm mainly trapped in the "vague pity" level (**** referring to how my peers tend to treat me) and in a way I suppose I had it better than you did. The poor feedback hurt, sure, but I don't think I've ever fully been hated on. Wish you'd stop washing yourself so often. >.< What does your derm say? Has the treatments ever worked? Oh yeah. Neck. I do still have a ton of sagging fat in that area. It's surprising each time I pull on it and I pull it out far more than an inch. >.> Oh. Necks. As for iron...actually the doc said I had an exceptional amount of blood, aka iron, in me, which is amazing for a girl. Though nurse did say my blood was very, very slow moving. Mainly D deficient. Supplementing hasn't done anything tho. A week ago I physically felt like the best I have in my entire life, I felt a sense of hope and happiness, and all the pain and strain in my body went away, even the stupid eye pain and strain in my chest...but then it went away. Still don't know what it was. The day before that experience was just terrible. Still don't get it.
lonekitty Posted March 11, 2018 Author Posted March 11, 2018 To be fair, I think thinning your hair is waaaay easier than thickening! My bangs would literally just flap in the wind 24/7 and become greasy strands pretty easy. Wait, nm, my skin stopped producing oil a year ago. It would just fly around, straw-like, wispy. Not a good look. Hmm. Well. When I used to look better I think my dormmate said that I'd look like a model if I got bangs. Didn't even know what type she was referring to...anyway, she kept on repeating this idea and over time I gave another look to my forehead. It seems oddly flat--then just abruptly curves back. It sticks out a lot. Throws off the balance of my face. The hairline is also a pretty big issue. It's gotten quite bad in the past few months. :/ My forehead was never so large. Even comparing my old pictures to them there's a huge difference...
lonekitty Posted March 11, 2018 Author Posted March 11, 2018 I really did wish the therapy I've been trying has been helping but...ah. The truth got out and I feel so numb. Was forced to take selfies for a group project. ...actually got a really nice one (the 2nd one), but ended up taking several others for reference as well as checking out my ruined skin. One, the mysterious smooth one...I don't know how or why I looked like that. Took it without my cam filter. Too bad I don't have decent skin, or a passable jaw like that otherwise. I was appalled. I really look like this. All the other pictures were just lucky. And even the ones that wash out the redness of my skin look horrible and rough. Even the rolling texture of my forehead, the strained undereye area. Wtf...it's like my year-long skincare routine and Tret and antibiotics hasn't done anything for me. I also look like I have PCOS or something because of the hair--I swtg I shaved half a month ago. And my heart broke when I saw the last picture...literally everything I feared, embodied in one picture. I think for a while now I have in fact been holding out hope. I don't know why I managed to take so many good pictures and I don't know why they looks so smooth despite most not having filters. Tbh I love how I look there, laying down. Maybe the ambient lighting. I guess. I think I must be the living embodiment of the urban dictionary of "angles." My bone structure is pure garbage. My eye area looks so thoroughly messed up, oh my god. It makes sense why my friend said they were horrible. Just feel so defeated right now. It's unfair.
lonekitty Posted March 11, 2018 Author Posted March 11, 2018 Well. Looking at the good pic versus the bad one I can safely assume my jaw is a mighty morphin' abomination. Okay, I need drastic surgeries for sure. Will get the filler this spring break then more intensive ones in the summer. What do I need the most? Issues: jaw, flat zygoma, skin, nasolabial area, eye area, brow, and nose
velvettini Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 Actually, I noticed that you tend to like pictures of yourself more after a few days of waiting rather than immediately after taking them. You don't look like a dead fish at all lmao Lighting and angles can literally make or break a picture, so yes, it could be that or you overreacted when you took the pictures (as I always do). Then there's those photos you'll absolutely never like. I just found one of them on my phone. Deleted it immediately. Ew. Well, the more weight you lose, the more your bones will show, so if your face is angular, it'll be way more visible when you're skinny. Maybe that's why your dormmate's mom thought you looked different? I don't get why they want to discourage you, though. What's so bad about trying to lose weight? I mean, not that you have that much to lose, but as long as you're not starving yourself it should be alright? Strange. Man, I'm really sorry about what happened with your guy friend/crush(?)... Someone once told me guys like a bit of confidence in a woman. Sounds like he was hurt by what you wrote about yourself because he likes you. Are you sure he's gone for good? He could just need time to think about all of this...
velvettini Posted March 11, 2018 Posted March 11, 2018 [RANT] First of all: ''I was appalled. I really look like this. All the other pictures were just lucky.'' Same. It's so weird. Like, in a 'session', you'll usually get a bunch of ugly pictures, some which just look 'meh', a single good one, and there's THAT one you take. It's not just nasty but a ****ing abomination and you'll take this one as a reference. I also keep staring at it thinking: ''This can not be true. If that's really me, why do I even bother thinking about surgeries? Won't help much anyway!'' [RANT END] Well, I also like the pictures in which I'm laying down. It's because the fat distribution is much better. Gravity's a *****. Your bone structure is far from garbage. You should see mine. Nothing but asymmetry. Vertical AND horizontal eye asymmetry (and did I mention they're close-set, yet? Yes? haha), jaw asymmetry, cheekbone asymmetry, left side has no under-eye support while the other does and so on. Even one side of my freaking skull is way larger than the other. It's literally driving me insane. I bet that's all people see when they look at me. Are you wearing lots of makeup in your pictures? If not, I'd actually be envious of your skin. If yes, maybe you have the wrong skincare routine for your skin type? I bet you checked that one already. Otherwise, no idea what the problem could be. I wouldn't take skincare tips from me, anyway. If anyone wants to destroy their skin, they can safely consult with me, though Nah, your jaw is fine. The real issue is that your issue is everything currently. You can't 'fix' everything or you'll be broke, addicted and look like Donatella Versace on a bad day. Even Kpop stars can't get away with too much plastic surgery and if they can (like Im Yoona for example-don't fight me on this she had a boat-load of surgery), then it usually was a step-by-step journey. Too much at a time is always bad. The other member's advice was right: fillers are a good start. They'll give you an idea of what you'd look like after a more invasive surgery, but are reversible.
lonekitty Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 Oh my god. I remember when my downward spiral really started. It wasn't all the various mild insults I've suffered through the years and no reaffirmation. It was probably when I took a picture of myself outside on an overcast day. I kid you not, I'm not even being dramatic with this one, I looked so thoroughly f'ed up and ill like a 40 year old crackhead. And I took several pictures. I think the pictures here I've posted don't come close at all...I only took them because this guy that walked by me...he gave my face this look of utter disgust. And the pictures pretty much confirmed my fears. I just looked that awful. Got reaffirmation later that I smelled amazing and nothing was sticking out of my nose too. >.> I think what we really needed was a few strangers to compliment us in real. At least that would have done it for me. If someone found me attractive...if a guy called me cute to my face...it would have been enough for me tbqh. How about you? What would it take for you to be alright with your looks? Y'know. Other then surgery as you think. Yoona looks so...so natural. It's kinda eerie. Oh, I'm not wearing make-up in these recent ones aside from the red-shirt ones, and usually don't.. The great ones are the ambient-lit ones, they even out everything. I dunno, I see a lot of pores, no glow, the endless blemishes, rough, bumpy skin. My sunken bags are what really make it that bad for me. I don't know. They're just very shocking--I turned on the cam and flinched because they seemed so out of place on my face. I mean, I do hear that vitamin D deficiencies (I found out two weeks ago that I have a severe one) during the winter actually make eyes appear older or something--there was a study done on it. Does make me wonder. I've always spent a lot of time indoors, barely went outside. Still...I think the fillers might be the only way. My friend gave me that awful feedback about my undereyes years ago and I'm sure they've gotten far worse since then. As for the mom comment...well, sure I looked different, but what her daughter said later "you know what my mom always says, losing weight doesn't always make people look better" made me think she said something negative about how my new look or something behind my back. Still don't know about my jaw--I just can't forget about how that guy said the sole reason he wouldn't date me is my "severe jaw". Granted that there's a small chance he might have been referring to someone else. Still really depressing because that's like...derformity-level or something, a single feature being picked out like that.
lonekitty Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 Hmm, well, to be fair I still don't like any of the recent ones, and some of the old ones. Not sure if my high cheekbones will save me if I lose more weight. The cheek volume is still pretty bad even though the rest of my face is...actually really quite chubby. It's weird. If only I can spend my life laying down...wait, no I'm not that vain. Just want to sleep all the time. Yeah...I did care about him a lot. But I guess the fact that it was an online thing that was what really devalued his opinion for me. His past gfs weren't as frustrating and I think he ended up wising up or something..I still miss him a lot. And weird. I just posted a pic on an advice forum for skincare advice, the area started on my lower eyelid and below and it's a very rough close-up with super unflattering lighting. Everyone got mad and said I was a 9 or something, eyebags included. Weird how that went. Shame I can't really believe anything because of our "It must be luck" syndrome.
lonekitty Posted March 12, 2018 Author Posted March 12, 2018 Anyway. About my jaw...I'll probably keep on reminding myself that the new Wonderwoman has a very defined, forward jaw (well--something about the cheekbone/jaw slope seems familiar) and brow. Doesn't look anything like me at all but the only person these past few years that has complimented me irl referred to me as an amazonian goddess. Guess when you're at rock bottom you have to cling onto your role models.
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